One of the resources I often turn to for insight and advice about the education and science of sex is Emily Nagoski’s essential work Come As You Are. It is a fun and often mind-blowing read. One topic close to my heart, and no doubt yours as a client of Kundalini House, is mindfulness. How does mindfulness relate to sex? Well, that’s a topic we shall come to via a strange and debilitating practice called Spectoring.
“Spectoring is the art of worrying about your body and your sexual functioning while you’re having sex,” writes Nagoski. What does this look like? Rather than paying attention to the pleasant, tingling sensations that go on in your body during sex, you may instead start focus on anxious thoughts. These could be about anything, but some classics include worrying about how your body looks, issues that came up the last time you were having sex, and whether you (or your partner) are going to have an orgasm. “We worry about the sex we are having rather than enjoying the sex we are having. And worry is the opposite of arousal. Worry hits the breaks.”
One way to learn to avoid spectoring is by cultivating a mindful attitude during sex. We hear a lot about mindfulness and it’s seemingly universal application to the ills of our hectic modern lifestyle, so why not invite it into the bedroom as well. I think you may find that it will be a very welcome guest.
The art of being mindful is learning to bring your attention into the moment. This can be tricky when a million things are buzzing around your head. Slowing this down, however, is as easy as breathing. Emily Nagoski explains it this way,“Humans, unlike all other species, can be in control of their brains, rather than their brains being in control of them. We can notice what we’re thinking or feeling, and we can do something about it.” This is the key to unlocking the chains of any performance anxiety, including spectoring, “Notice what you’re paying attention to, and then shift your attention to the thing you want to pay attention to.”
Of course, such advice is often easier said than done. If we could just turn off our unhelpful thoughts, mindfulness practice would probably be something they could sell you in a pill. So how do we learn to do this snazzy trick of changing our attention? If you are an experienced, or even inexperienced meditator, you already know this trick. But for those of you fresh off the boat to Mindfulness, here’s how Emily Nagoski explains it:
“Suppose you’re standing in line at the grocery store or sitting on the bus. Let yourself notice your breathing. In. Pause. Out. Pause. In. Pause. Out.
Pause. Two breaths, just like that. Notice, and smile. Notice five to ten times a day.
And notice, above all, when your attention wanders during those two breaths — which it will, that’s normal. When you notice your mind wandering, smile at those other thoughts, let them go, and gently return your attention to where you want it to be. That skill right there? That’s mindfulness. Noticing when your attention wanders from the thing you’re trying to notice is the skill that will help you stop spectatoring, because you’ll learn to notice the spectatoring and to redirect your attention to the sensations in your body.”
Focusing on these sensations may be strange or overwhelming if you are not used to them, or may have had too many unpleasant sexual experiences. But that’s where a mindful selection, choosing the sensations you wish to focus on, can help. With practice and communicating to your partner to take it slow, you will soon find that they can unlock feelings of amazing sensuality and pleasure. A feast of sensation that you can dip into and luxuriate in during sex, instead of being dragged into preconceived goals, performance and ideas of what sex should be like.
How does what you have read affect you? Are you plagued by this spectoring gremilin during your most intimate moments? Contact Lee to discuss this or other relational issues on 0491 638 124 or email lee@leembeaton.com. Lee sees clients in person at Kundalini House on Tuesdays and in Thornbury on Saturdays as well as online on other days of the week.
Lee Beaton is an Emotion Focused Couples Therapist and a Gestalt Psychotherapist specialising in healing relationships. Her style is person-centred, warm, effective, and compassionate, enabling Lee to help clients to experience somatic and deep relational healing. She believes how you handle emotions, influenced by the many aspects of your life’s circumstances, is what makes the difference. She understands that relationships are challenging and what we all long for. With help they can be a pathway to forming secure, loving bonds that nurture a healthy vulnerability leading to greater intimacy with self and others. www.leembeaton.com
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